The first time I went out in public with my walking aid, I felt on edge – defensive, deflective, sarcastic, talkative even. Things went alright for the most part. I got glances, got asked questions – nothing I hadn’t expected; I ignored a whole lot or just joked around. But once I was back in my car, I just…sat there.

I felt exposed – this was the first time ever that I had let my issues come out in physical form for anyone to see. I felt restricted but also…empowered? I felt like a stranger – and don’t get me wrong, I have always been a stranger, always been in the spotlight, but this was different.

I had always been able to pretend out in public – pretend to be okay, pretend to be the badass and perfect person everyone thinks I am. It made me feel…safe. It had its cons, of course – at times, I felt burdened with the truth, tired of the facade. But it still hurt when I lost the chance to revel in the pros.

You know how it’s said, pretend to listen and you’ll actually start listening, or pretend to be happy and you will be? Well, I just blew my chance of ever being…whatever it was that I pretended to be. A major step towards self-acceptance or just another mistake? I guess time will tell.